Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Scores on the Shores

Woke up early today, partly so that I could get a decent shower with warm water. Not burning hot, and not freezing cold.

There's been many programmes about Japan recently on the BBC. One mentioned the suicide rate. Every year apparently 30,000 people kill themselves. A friend has also mentioned this fact to me. She says that she also has known and stopped friends that have felt depressed. I couldn't comment on why the suicide rate in Japan is so high, but I'm lead to believe that it's due to bullying and working long hours. But I wonder if there's something within Japanese culture that is contributing to the problem. Then again what the fuck do I know...

Some drunk smelly person was knocking about Tesco. He stood really close to me as I scanned my goods into the automatic checkout. Just as I was paying he started to ask me if I used a Tesco card and I could use his if I like. Didn't bother looking at him, just said no and blanked him. Something else that was strange was the other day some well dressed elderly man asked me for a pound to get home. I didn't think I heard him properly at first. As I leaned in to hear better, he stumbled back on his walking stick as if he thought I was going to hit him.

I've failed maths, I'm sure of it. Soon I will take the exam which will be 80% of the module; so there maybe a chance to recover. I fucking hope so, if anyone is capable of failing foundation level it's me.

Recently I gained the full first series of Seinfeld and Battlestar Galactica. Seinfeld never bores me, I can watch it over and over...

It was nice weather today, I totally spent it alone.

Met with Chris the other day. He looks so young, and he is. I'm fed-up, desperate to hear from my friend. I get the feeling it's all one sided on my part, in reality she hardly even recognises me as someone that even exists. Soon like most people I have known in my life she will be gone forever.

Another person from my school contacted me. They work in London during the week as a manager or something, he is a nurse. In his email he says, "I'm glad to see you doing well for yourself." If only he knew.

Oh Yeah, one other thing. There seems to be some kind of dirty protest going on in the kitchen. Nobody is clearing-up and they leave bits of food everywhere. Also, lots of broken bottles just left precariously in piles on the table.

Friday, March 27, 2009

He's the Bad Boy

Sat drinking coffee in Forum, using my eeepc to practice passing by address. It's true !!! You can't find decent Jazz CDs in Norwich. HMV is rubbish, so I ventured Anglia Square into the old record shops. Much better, I found a second hand CD for a friend. Though I'm not sure if it's really the kind of thing she was expecting. Not many piano solos.

Couldn't sleep, watched some Battle Star Galactica, it's not too bad. People have rated it as the same as 'The Wire' so I'm giving it a go. So I couldn't sleep, kept thinking about where has everyone gone. OK enough of that. I went for a run into the city and various places. On the way back drunk twats walking behind me started saying," let's get him." More of a drunk joke I guess, not really funny. I stopped and stood there while they walked past me, I don't give a fuck I want to be beaten-up. That way I might know I'm still exist. The girl kept saying, "please don't, leave him." But they just walked past. So I continued to walk, this time behind them. They started to joke and one put his arm around me pointing to his friend saying,"he's the one, he's the bad boy." I just laughed and then they fucked-off. Shame really this has been my third attempt to get attacked in the past two months. If you try with a group of men who are bigger than you they won't attack because you're too small. So I need to find someone with small mans complex.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Shake my Teeth

WTF? My cleaner this morning played me a pornographic ring tone on her mobile. She' in her 50s. Also, she keeps showing me pictures of her 16 year old granddaughter. I had to stand for about three minutes pretending to laugh while listen to such lyrics as," Yogi bear, Yogi bear, stuck it in her mouth."

Luckily I could listen to Belle and Sebastian on Last.fm instead. I never been to Tokyo but I like this song anyway, and look there's running in the video too. I do that, that's me that is. I wish;)

Bumped into someone I really like today, they hate me. I care, but I'm in denial. Walked away grinning like a fool, which of course I am.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Let us be Appalling

Didn't bother to go outside today, shame, it looked like nice weather. Watched aprogramme about Japan and Japanese fish. I don't think I'm ever going to make it to Japan, I'm too mental. Spent some time practicing bowing in front of a mirror. I have a new theory that if I act very lazy I will hopefully begin to feel guilty and do loads of work. The guilt hasn't kicked in yet, just drinking lots of tea.

This is a poem...well done me_

Lazy Ambition

Lazy ambition
Eyes half closed, watching the clouds
Life escaping me

Loveless mind, blank light
Effort expended not worth
Not worth the effort

Shadow of a soul
I leave myself behind with
With nobody near

Lifeless dead shadows
Nearing the death of my life
Lazy ambition

Timothy Weiermann

Monday, March 23, 2009

Fagin's Workshops and Seminar

Didn't get out of bed 'till eleven today. I just lay listening to last.fm with the curtains closed. One of the downsides to living in campus accommodation is that the cleaner enters the room every day around 10. It forces you to get dressed and not sit about stark bollock naked. Hmmm, maybe that's a good thing.

At two I went to C-hall to debate this weeks paper, haptics. I hadn't read the paper, and Adam the guy who suggested we read it, didn't even turn-up. Somehow I managed to turn the level of conversation to credit card fraud. It was obvious that everyone now sees me as a criminal. I made a basic mistake, not keeping the mouth closed.

One thing that was mentioned was that the University have bought about 12 haptic pens. Hopefully next week we may get to play with them. They cost about 5000 dollar each. They are considered cheap, and because of this I guess it was made cheaply too(apparently they break very easily.)

Link: Last.fm~The Killers

Friday, March 20, 2009

Dharma Bowl Overdraft

Arrived early at Norwich Buddhist Centre. There seemed to be someone i hadn't met before on reception, he was very friendly and welcoming. While I waited on the sofa, a large bald headed man came in to enquire about meditation class. They said that a class was about to start and that he was welcome to join in. You could tell that he didn't really want to as he made a half arsed excuse. Instead he asked about a CD on learning to meditate. He went further to explain that he would soon be going to Thailand to become a monk... wtf ? I wasn't convinced, then again, who am I to say ?

A lot of hints were made to leave a donation*cough* in the dharma bowl. I have no money, but through guilt I left a fiver, I don't think I will be going back. Not sure yet..

Recieved another MSG from an old school friend. Maybe when I next walk past him in the street I will say HI!! He is married with two boys, a house, many cars and probably new teeth :( Some of the memories though, Heh_ so funny..

Some hippy looking dude sat near me in Marzanos. He was on his mobile and seemed to be in an argument, he kept saying out loud, "There's a great big loaf in the veg box!!!" He hung-up, then a few seconds latter he was trying to ignore the rather groovy ring tone. Answering again he repeated, this time more firmly stating out loud,"there's a great big loaf in the veg box!!!" GEH, I guess you had to be there.
I wasn't necessarily laughing at him, just how bazaar the argument was sounding:)

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Character Study this, Fucker !!!

Nothing to report, moan moan moan, still full of hate !!!

Been in the computer lab most of the day working on pointers and parsing by reference.

A SHIT DAY~ I think everyone is dead now.

You Only Live Twice

Met potential landlord with the two people from my course. I haven't even seen the inside of the house yet. They are already talking about BBQs, I'm not sure about living with meat eaters. Still, I've got no other options.

It was a nice day today, somehow I spent it sitting with said course mates in Anglia Square eating 1 pound Iceland choc ices. I want to kill myself_ instead I've been for an early morning run into the city and back under the watchful eye of the police.

Got my eeepc back with fixed keyboard. Managed to build-essentials but it still broke the openoffice packages even after pinning.

What am I going to do? My view of myself is at a all time low. I hate me, even the Buddhists hate me...

An old friend from way back got in contact with me from friends reunited. He and his family are successful estate agents and letting agency. I will write back to him, but it will be embarrassing explaining the last fifteen years. I know he has seen the dark too, 'cept his family are loaded and gave him a ready made job..

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Tried to embed this 'Last.Fm' into the sidebar : Failed...

Tried to find-out how to parse vectors to functions in C++ : Failed...

Tried to communicate with the opposite sex : Failed...

Lookin the other Way

Before I met-up with mum, I sat drinking coffee in the Forum (surprise) I have to read a sixteen page paper about `haptics'. The more I read about haptics the angrier I feel; think I managed to read two pages before I gave-up.

Norwich Stop the War were doing a vigil outside, I did a pretty good job of ignoring them.

Mum took me to the Greenhouse for lunch, as always the people were top notch. It's always a pleasure to find solace there, away from the crowds of shoppers. If you have friends it's the best place you can take them to.( I nearly got into a fight (surprise)

Later when it had gotten dark, I was walking back to Constable Terrace. I noticed the rabbits suddenly start to run away from the trees. It made me think someone was in woods. Then with the sound of smashing glass three chavs on bicycles came careering down the road. It was too late to find a brick and chuck it at them. Like the Alan Partridge I am, I went to the security lodge to report them, in the vain hope they would catch hold of them and presumably drown them in the river.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Make Haste

Went for meditation class, some good points were discussed. Stuff that people who strive for understand and truth probably already understand. It's good to be reminded of the basics. Unfortunately I always come to the same conclusion; that love is never something that I can have. It's never going to happen for me. If this is true then what will it mean ? I'm pretending to move forward but deep down I can't see any future. I will never be able to trust anyone. (It's selfish I know, I think there is a right time to shout and not be silent.)

I was supposed to go view a house today. I just sat in the Forum drinking coffee. When I returned to my room I saw thirteen messages sent to my mobile. I should care but I don't.

Making miso soup with sea vegetables and rice, maybe I will feel OK after, and stop being such a miserable fool.

Boldy is Boldy

Hey !!! Boldy I saw you looking.. thought I had lost you there.

Had to hand in presentation slides for my talk on Open Source. We will be the last group to speak on Monday. Been revising the C++ and messing with functions and parsing by reference.

Today was dark.. again :/ at one point I went back to bed and lay in a tight ball listening to `Loveless', the My Bloody Valentine Album.

Off to view potential rented housing tomorrow, fun fun fun... I really don't understand people at all

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Good Morning

Once at the Oriental Arts Centre I overheard a conversation about one of the martial arts instructors ex-girlfriends. She kept turning-up to his class. Surely this was very inconsiderate of her to be where she knew he would be. She was not a considerate person...

If I knew I was to go somewhere I'm not welcome, I would be fully in the wrong. I should expect some consequences from this action.

Karamoon: Photos From Afghanistan

Karamoon: Photos From Afghanistan

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Pretty Rain CLoud Friend

Up with a shower then cup-a-tea in time for C++ lecture. We did basic C++ functions. Passing by value, passing by reference. In the lecture things were explained in a simple manner, it's good not get bogged down with complexity. Sometimes functions and pointers become confusing. There's no need to think of it as memory address space at this level, just say 'pass by value.'

The weather was turning-out nice again so I went for a walk in Earlham Park. Stopped to do some meditation in the garden. Just then, I felt light rain on my face, looking up I saw a fluffy rain cloud. The rain was quite pleasant, and I knew it would soon pass by. It is right to give praise; I thank-you 'Pretty Rain Cloud' it means more to me than you know. I hope I see you again soon..Hheh_wtf ? WWww

Keep getting the day wrong, for some reason I thought it was Friday. I caught the bus into town to go to the Buddhist centre. Oh Yeah, it's Thursday !! Fuck it !! I'll just wonder around for a bit, then come back to campus.

Spent the rest of the day in the Lab, messing with C++ functions...

The past couple of days have been a mixture of great joy and unsurprising hopelessness.

All harsh language in this text is purely for effect, and does not accuretly reflect the true feelings of contributer_

Monday, March 02, 2009

Shine like the Sun

Such a good day, the weather has been beautiful. Bumped into Yuko today on the way to my lecture. I was so happy, I haven't seen Yuko in a long while. She showed me some great pictures she had taken, of the Crocuses in Earlham Park.

In my lecture we were supposed to be discussing a technical paper, the conversation went wildly off topic, as they started to discuss religion and science. I just sat grinning to myself, I was having such a good day...

Back at the flat, maintenance had been fixing door handles. Shawn had been cooking in the kitchen, when he returned to his room, he discovered they had finished and locked his door along with his room key inside. I had to lend him some trainers so he could walk down to the security lodge. He invited me to go out tomorrow to the L.C.R. it's not really my thing. We also talked about getting a house sorted for next year.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

They can't Take that Away, from Me

Went to the cathedral for morning service. There was a guest giving the sermon, 'Father Gregory Fruehwirth, Guardian of the Julian of Norwich, Wisconsin USA, it was good though at first I was a little mislead as to what he was saying.

I came to remember a TRUTH today that I had forgotten. Still can't concentrate, Still sometimes thinking of the ultimate solution.